i've always had this thing for new beginnings...a new school year, new (blank) journals, excitement about moving to a new city last fall. there's something refreshing about a clean slate. often i have this thought about how much easier it would be to start anew - job, friends/relationships, etc. - in order to set a great Jesus example. i think about how often i don't portray Christ to those i spend the most time with, particularly my coworkers of late. not that i'm anti-Jesus in my actions, but it's the small stuff in which they need to see my Jesus-like actions, and that's not always (sometimes rarely) my first reaction.
this week, i've been reading through galatians, and chapter 1, verses 23-24, paul speaks: "'he who used to persecute us is now preaching the faith he once tried to destroy.' and they glorified God because of me." and it hit me that if clean slates are what i desire, i'll always be searching for ways to start anew, as i am human, so those instincts i have that aren't quite Jesus are always going to be there. those who are around me most need to see me battle those things, need to see me focus fully on Christ to allow them to see HIM change me, not me change or control myself. what testimony of the gospel is there if i'm the one appearing to do the work? none.
i think of tonight...eric and i are having one of his former youth students over for dinner - he's now living and working in austin. and last night as eric and i talked about inviting him over, i thought 2 things:
1. how cool it is for God to continue relationships outside of fredericksburg for His purposes yet revealed to us - this is the 2nd student we've since met up with
2. how much i screwed up in those early days of ministry - how embarrassed of my former faith i am
you see, i have had a very by-the-books religious-type of "faith" in the past, and this student was one in my small group for the high school discipleship program we did with this student ministry. i was one who enforced the rules, "gotta get the work done," "need to memorize these verses and complete these quiet time sheets," etc. when since then i've learned it's about love first. Jesus' unconditional love is what attracts, and the discipline to live for Him follows. by definition, unconditional love is without condition - always there. and that is exactly what i was not about; my how i've grown to see things anew! (and my how i know i will continue to see things anew as long as i'm seeking Him!)
there's been somewhat of a shame felt for being so mean about getting the work done without any heartfelt desire for these students to truly discover their savior. and how i am ever so appreciative of the grace of God for extending to me forgiveness for this rigid viewpoint and for hopefully leading many of these students to experience the same freeing faith i feel i now have despite my distortion of the truth.
yet i am encouraged by paul's words...his horrible past aided his testimony of the power of Christ, and actually led others to glorify God - isn't He good for working all things for His good?!? so i look with anticipation to tonight's conversations and pray that they lead this student to see the new Christ i've discovered and to hopefully hear of similar things in his life.
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